Mothering work begins with grief and surprises with glory
How to let your graduate soar without clipping her wings
**Welcome to my Glorygram and to my table! Pull up a chair and join us for our now traditional Mother’s Day tea party. Each week I write this letter as an arrow pointing you back to God's glory and the ways He is working in our world. Let’s feast on the glory of God together!
She sits before me in the teal velvet chair in my bathroom. Methodically, I separate her thick hair -- the color of the night sky -- into sections. I pin the top half up so I can begin curling the bottom layers.
My fingers fly, winding each smaller section of hair around the curling wand. I let it sit just until it steams a bit. Then I let it go, releasing gently. A springy curl bounces before me.
Separate, curl, release, repeat.
My bedroom is brimming with laughter as half a dozen girls get ready for their Senior Prom. In another chair, one girl is getting her makeup done by a different friend while she chats with my daughter. A couple of girls sit in the corner, catching up near the charcuterie board piled with savory and sweet snacks. Taylor Swift is playing in the background, singing something about holding onto memories and never growing up.
My eyes linger over my oldest girl’s face. Her smooth skin is like a chai latte with those freckles adding just the right spoonful of spice to her creamy brown cheeks. Her midnight eyebrows make a dramatic swoop at the corners, framing her cinnamon eyes.
Suddenly, I’m transported back. I’m holding that newborn baby girl to my breast, tracing her eyebrows with my gaze. Tears stream down my cheeks. Maybe it’s the post-partum hormones, but I can’t help myself. My heart races as I think about bringing a beautiful baby girl into the cruel and often unforgiving world.
What will be her challenges? What heartaches will she face? Will I be able to protect her, love her, raise her as my heart desires?
My heart fills with emotion like an ocean wave -- swelling, swirling, and unabashedly spilling into a new season called mothering. I’m at once rejoicing and terrified, teetering with trepidation at the prospect of it all.
That was 17 years ago. And this month, that baby girl is graduating from high school. Time wrinkles and folds. Just yesterday I was nursing her and now she needs me to curl her hair for the prom. In just a few months, she will be leaving for college on the other side of the state.
When my husband was diagnosed with cancer at this time 10 years ago, I experienced something I didn’t have language for then. I now know it was anticipatory grief. These are feelings of grief that happen before a loss actually occurs.
When we received his stage four cancer diagnosis, I began to feel a slow ache growing deep inside me. I didn’t know what was to come.
During those months, I slept very little. I cared for my beloved around the clock as the cancer coursed through his body. When friends and family members came to relieve me, I could never really rest because I was so fraught with anxiety. The anticipation of losing him felt somehow weightier.
When he soared to heaven three months after his diagnosis, my oldest girl was only eight.
I never dreamed God would use that tragedy to tether all of us so tightly to His heart.
I’ve been in denial for a while, but now I have to name it. The anticipatory grief is starting to return. I wonder if this is how Mary, Jesus’ mother, felt when she held her new baby boy -- the Savior of the world -- in her arms.
Doctor Luke, in his account of Jesus's life, gives us some details of how Mama Mary might have been feeling. After Jesus was born and the shepherds and angels came to worship Him, Luke writes that Mary “treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart” (Luke 2:19 NIV).
In the original Greek, the word synetērei translated as “treasured” in Luke 2:19 means “to preserve knowledge or memories (as for later use).” Mary was savoring and storing up these memories of her son.
This same phrase is used in Luke 2:51. After Mary and Joseph cannot find their young son, Jesus, for three days, they discover He has been at the temple among the teachers. Mary may have been distraught in the moment, but looking back she “treasured all these things in her heart” again. She tucked this memory of her boy away in the treasure chest of her mind.
The Greek word symballousa translated as “ponder” in this same passage means to consider or to turn around in one’s mind.
I’m learning from Mary’s example -- trying not to drown in the waves of grief, but to treasure and ponder what God might be doing in this season of laughter and lament, celebrating and releasing.
I imagine the joy and grief swirled in her mother heart, ebbing and flowing like ocean waves throughout Jesus’ life. Mary, too, must have experienced anticipatory grief. She may not have understood it all, but she knew her son was born to save and suffer. She mothered, holding His calling in her weathered hands and tender heart.
As we step into a month full of festive awards nights, senior celebrations, and graduation for our daughter, the grief gathers quietly at the base of my throat.
I anticipate the loss, but I also celebrate my girl spreading her wings and soaring into her next chapter of life. I embrace the grief because I know it also leads me to glory.
Friend, what milestones or memorials will you mark this month? Are you experiencing anticipatory grief in any areas? Share in the comments.
Let’s treasure and ponder together what God might be doing in our midst.
**This reflection was originally published last May when my oldest girl was a senior. We just picked her up from college this week and moved her out of the dorm. That means we (meaning mostly I) survived freshman year. My girl truly soared. For this, I am grateful. This fall she plans to study abroad in Scotland, which means last year was just a bit of a warmup drill for truly sending off my baby bird into the world.
Glory recommendations
Each week I like to share links to some of my own work or resources that are inspiring me and my family to chase after God’s glory! Here are five for you to check out this week:
Several years ago I wrote this spoken word piece for Mother’s Day. Listen to the video and read the words of the piece here. May it bless you even if Mother’s Day feels hard this year. Let’s embrace the grief and the glory together.
Kaylee Prays for the Children of the World is an inspiring story about faith, empathy, and the power of prayer. Written by my friend Helen Lee and beautifully illustrated by Shin Maeng, this book follows Kaylee and her grandfather, Halbi, as they read the morning newspaper. While reading, they look for ways to pray for the children of the world. When Kaylee sees a photo of a sad boy from far away, she begins to wonder, "Does God really care?" This heartfelt story gently guides children to recognize the brokenness in our world and to turn their hearts to God with the assurance that He hears every prayer―even when words feel hard to find. This book offers a way for families to engage with global issues through prayer, fostering meaningful conversations with children. Every month I give away a book that is inspiring me. Comment below with why you are interested in winning this one for May!
Kids books make the best gifts! Consider sharing my book, Kailani’s Gift, with a child, teacher, mother, Lola or friend in your life! As Kailani watches her siblings practice a traditional Filipino dance for their grandparents’ anniversary party, she longs to join them. But keeping up with the rhythm and hopping in time with the beats of the tinikling is much harder than Kailani imagined! With Daddy’s help, Kailani practices the motions of the dance step by step. But will she be able to learn the tinikling in time to surprise her Lolo and Lola? This picture book celebrates family, Filipino heritage, and dance that showcases the value of patience, perseverance, and blessing others with your gifts and talents.
Boys today are surrounded by accusations that their very existence is toxic, told that their biological makeup is a problem and that the future is female. As Christian moms, we have the responsibility and privilege of teaching our boys what is true about who they are and what isn't. But how do we grow these tiny (and somewhat smelly) wild things into godly men of character? With encouragement, hope, and a dash of humor, popular writer and fellow mom-in-the-trenches Molly DeFrank reveals the eight most critical things your son needs right now. My friend Molly just released Mothering Boys: 8 Things Your Son Needs From You Before He Turns 10 this week! Do yourself a favor and go put it in your cart right now.
Southern California friends, I’m going to be reading my latest children’s book, Kailani's Gift on Saturday, May 31 from 10:30 AM - 12 PM in Art of the Pacific Islands exhibition at the Bowers Museum. Held every last Saturday of the month, Storytime in the Galleries includes free copies of each author’s featured book for the first 35 to RSVP and free General Admission to the galleries for the first 35 participants to arrive at each event. Reading in the galleries will be followed by a simple, fun art project that kids will love. Be sure to reserve your spot with a ticket.
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“Anticipate” the same feelings and emotions as a grandmother experiencing your first grandchild’s steps from high school to their next chapter. It’s almost more difficult.
Tears are streaming down my face with this glory gram. It hits home for me. My daughter is 7 and growing up so fast. I continue to look for ways to help her see the world beyond our small existence. Up until now I would have anticipatory grief. Now I'll try to reframe it as treasured memories in my heart like Mary.