When you’re really desperate for friends
Three ways to show up as a friend + a bonus graduation reflection
If you’ve ever been tempted to put a sign in your front yard advertising for new friends, scream or sob in frustration over a “friend’s” hot and cold behavior, or cringe at the memory of awkward friendship encounters, you can trust that my friend Kristen Strong understands where you’ve been. In her new book, Desperate Woman Seeks Friends, she shares with you the pitfalls and possibilities of putting yourself out there—and why it’s worth it to keep trying for the friends you need. Kristen and I have built a friendship through the years as storytellers for (in)courage. I’m inviting her to my table today to share with us over an iced chai and plate of scones with homemade lemon curd. Join us as we feast on the glory of God!
By Kristen Strong
In 2004, our family moved from an active, treasured community to a new neighborhood in a new state. With two freshly minted five-year-olds and a one-year-old, as well as a husband who worked long hours as a member of the USAF, I spent significantly more time starved for adult conversation than satisfied from it. I missed my friends terribly, but I figured I’d make new local ones. All I had to do was roll up my sleeves and put in the work required to place myself in proximity of others.
How long could this take? I thought to myself, chock-full of hope and positivity.
Not long, I assumed.
Yeah, I assumed wrong.
I extended invitation after invitation, only to be met with lackluster responses. Everyone around me seemed to already have their people, and they had no time in their schedules or interest in their lives for new people.
One evening, while I was especially sad and missing close-by gal pals somethin’ fierce, an idea popped into my head. When my husband returned home later that evening, I shared this bit of brilliance with him. In an effort to find friends, I would make a sign that read “Desperate Woman Seeks Friends!” and hold it at the corner of our front yard by the street.
My husband stared at me wide-eyed.
“Are you really going to do that?” he said, tilting his head sideways.
“I just might!” I responded, drumming my fingertips on my chin in contemplation.
If this had occurred today, I could’ve created a social media post with a picture of me holding this Desperate Woman Seeks Friends! sign. But since this occurred in ye olden days before social media, holding a sign in my front yard would’ve been the old-timey way of accomplishing the same thing.
To be truthful, I was every bit of desperate to find another woman with whom I could talk and laugh and share troubles with in-person. Yet I couldn’t find one.
In an effort to find friends, I’ve swung the bat and missed the ball. A lot. I’ve faced rejection a lot. So what’s a girl to do when she’s plumb tired from trying to make friends but knows she still needs them?
She keeps trying.
Because the only surefire way to know you’ll never make friends is to never try to make them again.
If we want the real rewards that come with friendship, we need to get comfortable with an uncomfortable truth: Friendships, like all marital and familial relationships, require honest-to-goodness work. So where do we direct those efforts?
Here's three ideas that have served me well:
Show Up: I make a habit of showing up where women are likely to show up. And you can choose where to show up by thinking about an activity you enjoy and showing up at that activity repeatedly. Do you like painting or cooking? Join a class. If you enjoy working out, who do you run into at the gym that could be a potential friend? Do you have little ones? Could you take them to storytime at a library or Barnes & Noble? Or could you volunteer at your church? Crossing paths consistently with other people is often the first step to making friends.
Open Up: I’ve had people in my home who haven’t become good friends, but every good friend I’ve ever had has been to my home. There’s just something about opening up your home to someone that opens up your heart to them as well. And that lays the groundwork for a friendship connection to take root and grow. Don’t sweat how clean your house is or isn’t. As long as the other person has a clean place to sit down, that person won’t care about the rest. She’s just happy to have been invited over.
Pray Up: Elisabeth Elliot wisely said, “Prayer lays hold of God’s plan and becomes the link between His will and its accomplishment on earth.”1 You and I will never, ever go wrong in praying for friends because it’s God’s will for us to have friends. In John 14, Jesus states that if we pray in His name and in the Father’s will, we will have what we ask for.
“I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son.” (14:13)
Praying in Jesus’s name gives power to our words while connecting our own hearts to the Father’s heart. And if Jesus walked this earth with friends, which He definitely did, it’s the Father’s will for you and I to have friends too. We may not find friends as quickly as we’d like or with the people we thought we wanted to be friends with. But we can trust that as long as we’re doing what we need to open up, show up, and pray up, He will bring us the friends we need.
I never did make that sign and stand in my yard with it, although I was thiiiis close. After all, I had the posterboard and the markers and a deep supply of desperation! As it turns out, right after that time, I met my friend Sherri because we both kept showing up at the neighborhood park at the same time with our young children.
You never know how or when God may orchestrate a change in circumstances for the better.
If you’ve had a difficult time making friends, I’m so sorry. But please don’t give up.
Do keep trying. Because there’s a friend out there who needs you.
This devotional is an excerpt from Desperate Woman Seeks Friends by Kristen Strong. Research shows friends are as important for our overall welfare as healthy eating habits and a good night's sleep, and in Desperate Woman Seeks Friends, Kristen gives you a game plan for finding your friendship groove. Through vulnerable stories and tell-it-like-it-is talk, she wants to help you be a good friend to yourself and others through principles and practices that give life to your friendships. Most of all, Kristen wants to show you that while friends may fail you, your Friend Jesus never will. You're meant to have lasting friendships that feed your heart and soul--you're not the exception to that.
Glory recommendations
Each week I like to share links to some of my own work or resources that are inspiring me and my family to chase after God’s glory! Here are five for you to check out this week:
Summer is here, and moms of littles, I have the perfect gift for you!
SUMMER OF STORIES is:
- a FREE video series
- 30 Christian children's book authors (award-winning and best-selling) reading their books
- daily book giveaways just for participating
Sign up with your email and the videos come to your inbox weekdays from June 9-July 27. This is an easy peasy way to start faith-filled conversations in your home this summer and a quick go to when the kids say, "I'm bored!"
Kaylee Prays for the Children of the World is an inspiring story about faith, empathy, and the power of prayer. Written by my friend Helen Lee and beautifully illustrated by Shin Maeng, this book follows Kaylee and her grandfather, Halbi, as they read the morning newspaper. While reading, they look for ways to pray for the children of the world. When Kaylee sees a photo of a sad boy from far away, she begins to wonder, "Does God really care?" This heartfelt story gently guides children to recognize the brokenness in our world and to turn their hearts to God with the assurance that He hears every prayer―even when words feel hard to find. This book offers a way for families to engage with global issues through prayer, fostering meaningful conversations with children. Every month I give away a book that is inspiring me. Comment below with why you are interested in winning this one for May!
Do you have a graduate in your house? I wrote this reflection last year about my daughter’s high school graduation and “How God brings full circle moments to measure His faithfulness.” May these words encourage your heart in this season!
Hey friend, looking for a summer Bible study? Check out these studies I wrote just for you. These are studies you can dive into on your own or with a small group. Free video teachings are available for you to listen to from the comfort of home. These are perfect to throw in your beach or travel bag and to incorporate into your summer rhythms. More details here.
Southern California friends, I’m going to be reading my latest children’s book, Kailani's Gift on Saturday, May 31 from 10:30 a.m. - 12 p.m. in Art of the Pacific Islands exhibition at the Bowers Museum in Santa Ana. Held every last Saturday of the month, Storytime in the Galleries includes free copies of each author’s featured book for the first 35 to RSVP and free General Admission to the galleries for the first 35 participants to arrive at each event. Reading in the galleries will be followed by a simple, fun art project that kids will love. Be sure to reserve your spot with a ticket.
*This post contains affiliate links at no extra cost to you. Thank you for helping to support this ministry!
Friend, I’m so grateful you are a part of my Glorygram tribe! I count it an incredible privilege to connect with each of you through this Glorygram. I offer a paid subscription to this newsletter with all the bells and whistles! For $50 per year (or $5 a month), you'll gain access to my full archive, bonus posts, monthly recipe posts, and my Lent and Advent devotionals! While the free weekly emails will continue, my subscription-only content will be an extension of the foundation we've built together. My goal is always to help you continue to feast on God’s glory in your everyday lives. To subscribe and unlock this exclusive content, simply hit the Subscribe Now button. Founding members will also get a personalized, signed copy of one of my books! I am so grateful for all of your prayers and support!
Mark A Green, “Living the Prayer Filled Life,” Sermons by Logos, Accessed July 23, 2024, https://sermons.logos.com/sermons/913932-living-the-prayer-filed-life.
I would love for this book to inspire my daughter with her prayers. We pray nightly together and sometimes she just seems so bored with it. Maybe this book would help with that!